Friend request
“So no one told you life was gonna be this way / Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life is D.O.A. / It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear / When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but / I’ll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour) / I’ll be there for you (like I’ve been there before) / I’ll be there for you (’cause you’re there for me too)”. If you haven’t sung everything before this sentence, there’s a big gap of knowledge in your life. For ten years The Rembrandts’ hit “I’ll be there for you” was the theme song for one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, Friends. Through ten seasons we accompanied the lives of six friends and all secretly wished to be part of their group. But what does friendship truly mean and why is it important?
The concept of a friend has drastically changed in recent years. Nowadays, people easily have multiple friends on social media. Personally, at the moment of writing, I have 544 friends on Facebook. About 400 will say hello to me if they see me. Maybe 200 keep up with my posts, mostly because I appear in their news feed every once in a while and they are “forced” to see them. If I’m lucky, 100 of them will send me some kind of happy birthday message every year. I may have engaged in a conversation beyond small talk with 50 of them. About 25 see me on a weekly basis. And about 10 would accurately describe me and/or what’s going on in my life. Interestingly, I usually make the effort to only add people that I know a minimum about as friends. There are others with 1000, 2000 or the limit of 5000 friends on Facebook. Because it’s so easy to call another person “friend” these days, we may be tempted to reduce every “friendship” to the lowest common denominator, transforming every one of them in a shallow, effortless relationship based on small-talk or getting together to take selfies for social media.
There are many theories about what friendship is. According to Aristotle, for a person to be friends with another “it is necessary that they bear good will to each other and wish good things for each other, without this escaping their notice”. A person may bear good will to another for one of three reasons: that he is good (that is, rational and virtuous), that he is pleasant, or that he is useful. Although Aristotle suggests that a friendship can be based on advantage alone, he states that one based on virtue leads to a higher degree of happiness. I believe that at its core the concept of friends rose as a survival mechanism. The sense of safety and to know you had someone with you that not only would not kill you but also would help you not to die would give you a higher chance of survival. As society progressed, the circumstances changed, but the principle kept the same: a friend is someone who bares with you through the challenges of life, lifting you up when the going gets tough and celebrating your accomplishments, while you do the same with them, leading to a mutual benefit situation.
But while there may be some truth to the bare root of this social interaction described above, it certainly doesn’t feel that way. You don’t wander around in the streets and intentionally choose someone to be friends with. You don’t think about how being friends with someone is benefiting you (or them). However, there’s one universal truth: you need friends. Once again, Aristotle also said that “friendship is a virtue which is most necessary with a view to living … for without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods”. While this may be a bit extreme, it is true that life is better with friends. How you celebrate their achievements (and they celebrate yours); how you seem to forget about all your problems when you’re having silly moments with them; how you tell them about your problems (and they share theirs) and together you find a solution or you just feel better because you had someone to talk to; how you can improve yourself by having someone who criticizes your wrongdoings (and you criticize his or hers). All of these little but big moments is what having friends is all about.
The bottom line is that friendships require a give and take. Don’t just talk about the weather, ask about your friends’ lives; meet regularly with them for a cup of coffee; don’t let time steal them away, stay in touch with them, call them. Heck, it doesn’t matter how you do it just engage with them, care about them, value what you have. Don’t just be friends with them on Facebook, chat buddies on Messenger or follow each other on Instagram. Those are supplements to real life, but meaning is created in the latter, life happens in the latter, that’s why it’s called “real life”. Let’s not be numbed by technology (which can be a great tool if used right). Let’s hold on to our friends, because they make our lives better and I like to think we make theirs better as well: “It’s so easy now / ’Cause you got friends you can trust / Friends will be friends / When you’re in need of love / They give you care and attention / Friends will be friends / When you’re through with life / And all hope is lost / Hold out your hand / Friends will be friends / Right till the end”.
